Palms up... palms up. That is a phrase that Jim has repeated time and tme again along this adoption journey. We just want to be where The Lord wants us to be. We just want to be about His business and not our own agenda. Sometimes it is difficult to determine where one starts and the other ends.
We are so thrilled to be on this journey - eager to see where it lands us. But as my sister-in-law has wisely reminded me- God doesn't waste the journey. It isn't all about the destination. That is just part of it. I am so eager to get there- to find my son and to hold him and love him and bring him home. That is all good and part of it- a crucial piece of it. But not the whole thing. And God is teaching us that time and time again.
He has taught us through the obvious things like the infamous hurricane that lead to the tree falling on our house last September. And the small, daily things like learning to not take ourselves quite so seriosuly around here. At least not in the trivial things. Focus on Him and passing on our spiritual heritage to the kids. Love them, enjoy them but don't mistake indulgence for love. Be firm , patient and consistent. Sounds easier than it is.
We are preparing. Preparing our hearts, our home, our family for this newest member that is oh so far away and so painfully out of reach. I scan the crowds of faces everywhere I go just as if I could catch a glimpse of him. I find myself searching deeply into the eyes of every little boy I meet as if somehow... somehow... does he look like that? will he smile that way? will he like to play trucks? trains? sing outloud?
I am searching deep in the eyes of the boys I see ... I am looking to connect with a child that I know is out there. My son.. my son that I long to know. My son that I long to hold. My son that I want to pull close and whisper, "I love you. We have all been waiting for you. You are home."
I want to reassure him that he is not forgotten. I want to bandage his knees. I want to bandage his wounded heart.
I can't fix anything- not even with a mother's love. But I know who can and I want to introduce him to That Man.
I am excited... frightened...and trusting.
I find reassurance knowing that we are Safely in His Grip.